off progesterone, midwives, opinions of others

Last week when my progesterone was checked it was 29, so the Dr. decided I could reduce to one pill a day and then stop. He wanted to test it 24 hours after taking the last dose, so today I had the test. It came back at 22, and anything over 15 is considered normal, so that's good news. I would absolutely use the supplement as long as required to help have a healthy baby, but I'm so glad I can stop taking it. It's gross and messy.

On Monday I have an appointment with the midwives. I LOVE the midwives. When I had an abnormal pap a couple years ago, I had to have my cervix scraped for testing which was fairly unpleasant. One of them held my hand through it. I know I want them to attend my birth. They attend in a well known, respected hospital so I feel like if any emergency intervention is needed, it'll be readily available. My mom wants me to have the baby at the local hospital, but I'm just not feeling it. If anything big goes wrong here, they transport to the city. I think it's better to just start off there. Her concern is that when I go into labor, we'll have to travel about 40 minutes. I don't think that's a long time but I'm sure it'll feel different when the time comes.

I plan to have the baby without an epidural, which has received a lot criticism. The most common comment has been, "You'll change your mind." I want to carry copies of Ina May Gaskin's Spiritual Midwifery and Guide to Childbirth and put one of each in the hand of every woman who tells me this. I think that when we have our version of how something should be, we don't really want to give it up. Not only that, but we think others should share the same idea. So because the women I've had this conversation with have had epidurals see it as a normal part of birth, they expect me to as well. I have talked to a couple of women who had natural births, and they're more supportive of course. I intend to mentally prepare for a natural birth, while at the same time being open minded to the possibility of having to accept a different course (in the event of needing a C-Section).

I know I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm only 8 weeks and 1 day. So much could happen between now and then. I have friends and family praying for the baby and I am so thankful for them. Sometimes God's will is different than what we want though, and I can't put the possibility of bad news out of my mind. Too many people I know have gone through losses, and I know it could happen. I still want to think in terms of things going well, I want to get the house ready, and knit cute baby things. And I'm going to do those but I guess with a sense of caution. I don't really know how to explain it.

Ultrasound Results

There's one baby, and he or she has a heartbeat! Yay! On a negative note, I started feeling bad yesterday evening. I felt tired and nauseated, so I ended up going to bed around 7:00. No shame. My pregnant body told me to rest, so I did. :)

1st ultrasound

Tomorrow at 8:40 I have my first ultrasound. I'm nervous about it, but keep trying to tell myself that worrying won't change whatever is going on in my body. If there's a healthy little heartbeat, it will be there tomorrow. If there's an empty sac, it will be there tomorrow. I hope everything is just as it should be, but I know people who have gotten terrible news at ultrasounds. It's hard to be too optimistic when you know something could easily go wrong, especially this early on. I am so impatient to be out of the first trimester, when the chance of miscarriage goes down quite a bit. I want to feel it kick, and buy maternity clothes, know if it's a boy or a girl, and knit cute things for him or her. But before any of that can happen, we have to get through tomorrow and many other tomorrows after that.

It worked!

I'm 4 weeks 4 days pregnant! I found out the morning before Thanksgiving with both a home test and a blood draw at the Dr.'s office. On that day, my hcg was 23. Today I had my second draw and it's 311! I'm so excited to see that number go up. It was such a surprise to see that second pink line. I'm so happy to have friends and family who have prayed for a baby for us to be praying over this pregnancy. I know that a lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so all the prayer makes me feel comforted. I'll have an ultrasound in 2 weeks and hope to see a nice heartbeat!

IUI

We had our first IUI today. Nathan went in at 8:00, and my appointment was 2:45. It took a long time for them to get to me this afternoon, and I didn't end up leaving the office until 4:10. Part of that was the 15 minute waiting period after the procedure though. What I learned today that helped me relax about the future is that an IUI doesn't hurt at all. I was anxious about it after the HSG and was afraid it would be similar, but nope. It went really smoothly, and I liked the Dr. who did it. I like my regular Dr. as well, but he was out today, and it was my first time meeting this one. I remember how uncomfortable I was at my very first PAP, and now several doctors have seen my lady parts in the past 6 months and I don't even care. As long as I have on clean socks, I'm good to go. Anyhow, I start taking progesterone Friday, and next Thursday I have a progesterone draw to check my level. I guess then I'll find out if the dosage needs to be increased or if it's sufficient.

Holy CM!

Yesterday was CD12, and while I know it's gross to people who aren't TTC, I had an amazing amount of fertile CM last night. It's a very good sign that my body responded well to the Femara again. I'm still waiting to get a positive OPK, but the line keeps getting more pronounced. I'm expecting to get a definite positive either this evening or in the morning. We've had really good timing, and I'll be on progesterone again, so hopefully this will work. I would LOVE to wake up on Halloween and get a positive pregnancy test!

fertile people and baby dreams

One of my favorite vloggers is expecting her second baby. I love hearing about her family and can't wait for pregnancy updates, but I am super jealous. The main reason is that it happened on their first cycle of trying. I wish  I were that fertile. I start Femara again today since it's CD3. If we were to get pregnant, I would find out on Halloween. If we don't, I'll start on Halloween, making it my second period of the month.

Last night I dreamed that we had a baby. I was holding it, and it was swaddled and wearing an orange hat that I had knitted. Now I want to knit a little orange hat just in case. :)

BFN

Today I'm 11 DPO so I went ahead and tested using a Clear Blue early results. It was negative. I'm really bummed because I was optimistic about this cycle, mainly because of an absence of my typical PMS symptoms.

Unusual uterus?

I hadn't looked on the myhealth feature my hospital has in a while because I didn't expect any messages from my doctor. This morning I decided to see what the lab report from the HSG actually says, which was a MISTAKE. It says that there's an indication of an arcuate uterus. This means the uterus has a dip somewhere in it. The indentation of mine is at the top (fundal). The scary part is that several sites say that while it won't affect getting pregnant it can affect successfully carrying to term. There were a couple of forums where women had asked about the topic, and some women shared stories of having it and being fine, so at least there's that. One site said that 2/3 of women carry to term, but what about the other 1/3? Are they likely to miscarry early on or go into preterm birth later? Ugh. It's amazing that so many babies are born in spite of all the crap that could go wrong. Furthermore, why didn't the doctor call me to discuss this instead of just letting me read it? I emailed the nurse to ask if I should be concerned, so I'll try to avoid freaking out until I get her reply.

Dreams

So far this week, I have dreamed that I got a positive on a pregnancy test, which I doubted because I was worried that the medicine might have given me a false positive. Still, in my dream I said, "Better start knitting baby stuff!" So true to real life.

Last night I dreamed that I was visiting a hospital and I walked past about three women who were holding newborns. In my dream I started crying because I wanted to be one of them. The sadness was overwhelming in that one.

In eight days I'll know if this cycle was successful or not.

Progesterone

I've never been so concerned about hormones. I have to take a progesterone supplement during the LP phase, which is the last 14 days of the cycle. I wonder if the HSG showed a thin uterine lining, because the progesterone is to thicken that. So, that's the plan this cycle. Some people have to take it until 11-12 weeks into the pregnancy because that's when the placenta takes over and produces it. I guess I'm getting too far ahead of myself, considering that I haven't even gotten a positive OPK yet. Hopefully that will happen tomorrow or Wednesday.

And it's over!

I survived the HSG! My appointment was at 2:30, but the office called around 12:40 to see if I could come in any earlier, so I ended up getting there at 2:00. They made me do a pregnancy test, which was negative of course. Then I went down to the imaging office. They didn't have stirrups, so I had to put each heel up on the bottom edge of the bed and grab each ankle, which was awkward. Last night, I had worked myself up to the point of crying based on some of the experiences some women had posted online. Out of a pain score of 10, a lot of them said it was a 10, and some said it was the worst pain they had experienced next to childbirth. I took 4 Advils an hour before I got there which I guess helped, because while it did hurt, I don't think it was a 10. I would put it at a 5 or 6. When she put the tube in and inflated the balloon, I made a noise and uttered something, but it wasn't unbearable. I felt like it was a really bad pinch. She warned me that the fluid would make me cramp, but luckily it didn't. The initial feeling was the worst for me. They were really nice and talked to me during the procedure. They asked me what I did, and I was able to talk about school through it. At the end, they let me see the final frame, which showed the dye spilling out of my clear tubes! I was so relieved that I got good news! My friend Angela went with me and while I didn't want to chance walking around JoAnn's (partially for fear of later cramping and partially because I knew I would spend too much on fall items), I felt well enough to at least do something fun. So we went to a Sweet Cece's and I had coconut frozen yogurt with slivered almonds and hot fudge. I'm such a little kid, having to have a treat after a doctor's appointment. We sat on a bench, ate our yogurt, watched traffic, and talked and it was really nice. I'm curious about what the next step will be, and I hope it's another round of Femara because it didn't have any side effects last time and it made me ovulate. I sent my RE's office a message this evening asking what we would be doing next, so hopefully I'll find out soon.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is making me nervous. I don't want it to hurt, and I don't want them to find anything wrong. Mostly what I want is for it to be a normal Thursday, but that's out. Whatever information I get I'll have to view as a step toward problem solving, but still. Tonight I'm going to make a pumpkin dump cake to take to knit night tomorrow, so I'm going to pretend that afterward I'll feel okay and that it'll be business as usual.

HSG scheduled

My last progesterone check came back at 21, which indicates ovulation. However, I still peed negative and continued on to CD1. I called the RE and asked about further testing, as a lot of women have an HSG before even starting fertility drugs in order to make sure there are no blockages. While I'm glad to get this step out of the way on Thursday, I'm dreading it. This won't be an easy appointment like a blood draw. This one is going to hurt. Needless to say, we won't be going to JoAnn's afterward. I always look forward to that part. Also, they didn't prescribe Femara this cycle, so I'm guessing this whole month is a bust as far as our chances of conception go. I am frustrated and sad. I turn 32 in November, which I know isn't really bad in terms of trying to conceive, but I always pictured starting a family earlier than this. In a twisted way, it's kind of funny that my ex-husband didn't want children and we stressed about making sure I took the pill least we have an "oops" moment. I probably shouldn't find that amusing.

I've been keeping busy with school and knitting. I'm working on a sweater for myself and an afghan for my mom for Christmas. I'm going to ask my principal about a possible field trip for my 7th graders. They're reading A Wrinkle in Time, which is going to be performed in Nashville through October 6th. I hope we'll be able to go--I think they would enjoy it and they're a good class. We'll see.

Another progesterone check

Taking the Femara was fine. I didn't have any side effects, and I actually felt different around the time of ovulation. I didn't have cramps or twinges but my lower midsection felt weird. Tomorrow I go in for another progesterone check to see if I truly responded to it. I'm looking forward to it because I chose the afternoon appointment and can wander around afterward. My friend Angela is going with me, and we'll probably go to JoAnn's. Love that place.

Femara

Today I start taking Femara. This is our first medicated cycle. There isn't much else to say except that it's a little scary.

+ OPK and non-TTC stuff

It's CD 15 and I got a super positive OPK this morning. It turned dark really quickly and the test line is darker than the base line. Woo-hoo! I don't think it will mean anything though. We've been using those MFers since August of last year, so I think if we were going to get pregnant without any interventions, it would've happened. Still, it doesn't hurt to try. ;)

I started working on my literature units yesterday. I have each grade level in a three ring binder and the outlines for the plan, discussion questions, vocabulary tests, etc all right there. I will admit I am mostly using materials I found online and in my copy of the Common Core Maps book, but still. I'm getting organized. They FINALLY buffed the floor in my classroom, so tomorrow I can put the furniture where it goes. I can't believe we start school in one week.

I guess because I worked on lesson plans for so long yesterday, I shouldn't be surprised that I had a dream about school. In it, right after we picked our students up from the cafeteria, we went into the math teacher's room and showed a film on Duck Dynasty. We also discussed the lessons in it. I thought this was hilarious when I woke up. During "class" there was this one guy who refused to do anything I wanted him to, including keeping his head up during the film. He ended up having to stand, and I caught him sitting down like three times so I took him into the hall for PTs. He was exhausting! "Sit up. I told you to sit up! Your choices are that you can sit up or stand up. Okay then, stand..." Not so different from a real life moment.

My agenda today:  I have an appointment to get my hair trimmed. I'm going to bake some cookies to take with me, I think. Then I'm off to mom's to mow and have dinner. Then to a friend's for a monthly get together. I also have to knit this morning in order to finish up a commissioned project. Busy but fun day. No lesson plan work today, but I'll get back to that tomorrow.

The Plan

It's been a while since I've posted because I've been kind of busy. Nathan took his vacation week, we went on a mini-vacation, I had work friends over for a girls' night, etc. Busy, but the good kind. In between my last post and now we had his stuff analyzed and it came back normal! That was such good news. After they told us that, I was told that they would call me letting me know what's next. I got the call Friday afternoon! I have to call on the first day of my next cycle, take Femara days 3-7, monitor for ovulation, then take progesterone.

I have mixed emotions about it all now. I'm nervous about the monitoring because if it's done in office I'll have to be late to school or leave early, and I don't like that. On the other hand, I hope it is done in office with an ultrasound because then they can tell me how many follicles I have. I'm also nervous about the medications because I'm afraid of the side effects and experiencing them at work. I figure if I feel a mood swing or nausea coming I can radio an assistant and take a time away similar to how the kids do when they need to manage their emotions, except I'll take mine in the car or bathroom instead of their designated area obviously. In a way it's no different than working while pregnant I guess because I have no idea how that will affect me. We're moving forward and I'm excited because this could finally be it, but my mind gets stuck in anxiety mode pretty often too.

CD 22 bloodwork

Today I had my blood drawn to check my progesterone level. My appointment was at 9:30 and only took about 5 minutes. The nurse was really good and got my vein the first try. She said the results would be in by this afternoon and that someone would call me, but that didn't happen. From there I went to JoAnn's to get some more bulletin board border and some scrapbook paper that I'm going to use for the letters. I worked in my classroom from noon until 6:00, painting and working on bulletin boards, trying to distract myself. Patience when it comes to getting information isn't one of my strengths as it turns out. When I find out what my progesterone number is, I'll know if I can even get my hopes up this cycle or not, because if the progesterone isn't high enough that means ovulation didn't occur. While that would be really sucky news to get, at least I'd know something. I don't know how I escaped being afraid of needles, but I'm glad I'm not. If this cycle isn't it for us, I'm sure that will mean more blood work, probably on CD 3. I wonder what day that will fall on.

 It really sucks that I couldn't get all this started up in early June. I hate the rule about having to wait a year before getting referred to an RE. This is not good timing to have a lot of appointments, especially if some of them have to happen on a certain day. I can't miss state ordered in-service, and it would be INSANE to miss any part of a day during the first week of school. That time is very important to establishing a routine and structure. If it came down to being late to work and missing an appointment with the RE, I guess I'd just have to be late as much as I hate to. It's no secret that we've been trying to conceive for a while, but our place runs best when it's fully staffed. I'm not trying to make myself sound more important than I am, but sometimes we need all hands on deck for coverage issues, especially if there are meetings of any kind going on. Why can't my body just cooperate and do what it's supposed to do already so I wouldn't have to worry about this?

Appointment with RE

I have my first appointment today. Unfortunately, Nathan could not get off work to go with me, but one of my best friends is going. It may work out even better this was because we plan on going to JoAnn's afterward. I'm nervous about having a male doctor for this, because up until now all female issues have been discussed/looked at by females. The midwives group I use made the referral, and I trust them so I know it'll be okay. But still. I'm also nervous about what we may find out, but it's better to know and have a plan than to bumble around hoping something will change unassisted when that might not be the case. I know I won't get any answers today, but it's a big step I think.

Vacation & OPKs

I went with my friend Stephanie to Florida from Monday until yesterday. I didn't bother taking my OPKs with me since there would have been no point, and I was worried I might miss getting a positive. BUT, yesterday afternoon when I got home I tested and the second line was nice and dark on day 14. I know the strips don't mean that ovulation will happen and that only temping can show it for sure, but I do love those dark lines.

Appointment with an RE

Today I called my midwife and she made a referral for me to an RE. I'm both nervous and excited. I'm nervous because of the tests, and potential problems they could find. I'm nervous because Husband has already said that he's against donor sperm (if he even has an issue--his levels could be perfect) so if he has a problem there, we'd have to consider donor embryos or adoption. I, on the other hand, don't mind the idea of using donor eggs if it comes down to that. I'm excited because this could lead to a baby--finally! It's weird that it's already been a year of trying. Sometimes a year can seem like a very short time, and at other times it can feel like an eternity.

work

I'm trying to get up the motivation to go to my classroom today and get some painting done. It's this horrible yellowy beige and green right now, and I'm going to redo it in white and dark grey. It will look really good when it's done, but I just don't want to. I am in the lazy phase of summer break. And the two week waiting period, which I complained about in my last post.

wish in one hand

I wish I could see inside my body. I would love to know if any connection has been made, if any little cellular wonder is making its way toward life. I hate the waiting. This journey is all about waiting and it drives me crazy. Wait for ovulation, wait for two weeks or so, try to wait out the urge to test and see if AF arrives, wait for that to be over to start OPKs again. Wash, rinse, repeat. The story of the past year. J. Alfred Prufrock measured his life in coffee spoons. I have measured my past twelve months with OPK strips. A friend suggested that since I seem to ovulate around the same time each cycle that I could probably stop using them now, but there's something so exciting about seeing that second line, as dark as the first. It gives me the only visual evidence of what's going on inside, and I don't want to give that up.

Facebook and BFPs

A picture of someone's positive pregnancy test isn't on my top five list of things I want to see first thing in the morning. Unless it's my own, but alas that's not the case.

Students can be sweet

Yesterday evening when I walked through the playground to say bye to some coworkers in aftercare, one of our middle school students asked me a question out of nowhere. He said, "Do you have a son or daughter?" I told him, "Neither. Why? Do you know some kids with my last name?" He said that he was just wondering. The student beside him is one whom I've known longer and he said to the other guy, "I knew she didn't have kids," then to me, "but you'll make a good mom someday. Just don't go all school on them and give them pushups." So sweet. I thanked him and told him that was the nicest thing I'd heard all year. It was funny too, about the pushups.

For the love of coffee

I haven't successfully switched to decaf yet. That's just going to have to wait until this last week of school is over. I am drinking a lot of cold green tea in the evenings though to hopefully increase fertile CM. Surely they'll balance each other for this week?

Added plans for this cycle

After these few days of AF, I'm going to be more strict about what I drink. I switched to half-caf coffee a few months ago, so now I'm going to go to complete decaf. Also, no more alcohol. I don't drink very much as it is, so that part will be super easy. The coffee, not so much. Also, I don't drink much water, so I need to work on that. If you drink water, you have to pee, and I don't have that much time for pee breaks at work. I might also look at my food choices to see if any changes need to be made. I don't make terrible food decisions now, in my opinion. The only things I can think of would be eating fewer processed foods, cutting back on sugar some, and going more organic. I wish organic didn't equal expensive. If the nation is so concerned about health care costs, they ought to find a way to make eating healthily less expensive and easier for everyone. I've planted lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers so if they grow, I'll have organic salad for next to nothing. That thought really makes me happy. There's nothing better than a simple salad for dinner during the hot summer. Also, school is out in a few days (thankfully), so the stress of work won't be a factor this cycle. With that plus these changes, maybe we'll be successful.

Call the Midwife, etc

I'm a week behind on Call the Midwife. I finally watched last Sunday's episode last night, and then about half of the new one. We have baby gates up to keep the dogs out of the living room, and Boy Dog was barking and carrying on, wanting in. Husband doesn't want me to name this one because he's a temporary pup that I found a street over about two months ago. Funny thing is that he actually responds to being called this, so he does have a name, just not one that I would've given him.

Anyhow, about Call the Midwife. I like this show in part because it shows natural childbirth as being the norm. None of this, "Are you ready for your epidural?" like I've heard hospitals do, as though it's expected that it's a part of birth. Now, if I get pregnant I might be singing a different tune and become that lady screaming, "Give me the drugs!" while trying to break my husband's hand. I don't want to romanticize the idea of natural childbirth, but I think if it were the norm shown on television here, and women were shown being strong and capable and coached through it with caring midwives, then there might be less fear going into it.

I also like this show because of surface things like the setting, their costumes, and their accents. Even though I wouldn't have wanted to live in England during this time (just last week they were dealing with a TB outbreak!) I like to see it on my screen. Husband makes fun of me for watching it and Downton Abbey. He says, "Ooooh, call the neighbors!" in a British-ish accent when I tell him that's what I'm watching. I'm going to have to come up with a catch phrase for some of his shows, which are mostly sci-fi like The Walking Dead, cartoons, or things like Pawn Stars (which I like too).

It's a little weird I guess that I went from watching The Walking Dead with him on Sundays to falling out of that and watching something so completely different. Part of the reason I stopped watching Dead is that I didn't enjoy all the super gory scenes. I mentioned something about it once at work, and one of my students heard me and said, "I love that show!" or something to that effect, and she's an 8th grader. I cannot imagine being that young and watching this...I wouldn't sleep. People have different tastes though, and maybe she just has a higher tolerance for gore than I do. I don't know that if I had children if I would let them watch stuff like Dead at that age though. To me, it's for a much more mature audience. Am I turning into a prude as I get older? A TV snob? Is it normal that kids watch stuff like this when I'm twice their age and I don't want to?

Call the Midwife is a comforting show to me somehow, and I guess that's what it boils down to. I feel at ease watching it, while some shows put me on edge because of violence and nastiness. If I were pregnant, I wouldn't want to chance my baby hearing zombies attacking through the thin walls of my body. If people play classical music to their bellies with the hope that it'll somehow impact the baby, it makes sense to me that he or she shouldn't hear crap coming out of the TV.

Month 11 is over.

I decided to start a blog about fertility so that I wouldn't talk everyone's ear off about it. Today is CD 30, which is a little long for me, so I decided to test. Stark negative. I should've known to just wait. This negative left me really disgruntled but determined at the same time. I'm going to do some mixed things this month. First, I'm throwing out most of  the books about pregnancy I've gotten at used book stores. They were cart before the horse purchases, and I've read through them all. I'm in an organizing phase anyhow and need to pare things down. One hindrance in getting nice and organized is having too much stuff. So, out with many of the pregnancy books.

Even though I'm getting rid of some things, there are others that I feel are necessary to our trying to conceive kit. I reordered some cheap ovulation predictor sticks from Amazon. Those digital ones are far too expensive every month, even if they are so much easier to read. I've seen pictures online of books people have taped cheap test strips into so the comparison test lines are always available.That sounds like a good idea, so I'm going to try it.

Also, I'm going to be more strict about cutting caffeine from my diet, and drinking the Fertilitea that I ordered. The package says to drink it 2-3 times a day, and I've rarely done that.

We'll see how this month goes. If June doesn't see a positive test, then it's time to look into some specialists because it will be one year of trying. Not looking forward to that...

This morning I asked Husband if he had rather spend $$$ on fertility treatments or adoption and he said treatments if they were guaranteed to work. They aren't. He also said he thought I was worried about it too soon, but I think it's realistic to be saving with those two options in mind. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, right? The only thing I know is that one day we'll have a baby. He or she just might not be knit together in my womb, and that's okay.